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Pilots
have always had their share of good jokes and true stories, just as
fisherman and sailors do. Here are some for you to enjoy.
Send
us your best pilot jokes and stories, and we’ll put them on the
website! Please give us background detail to go with the stories.
ENJOY!
STORIES
•
JOKES
All too
rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when
a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
-----------------------
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have."
------------------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane."
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take
care opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like
that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee, "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
in public unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."
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"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
-----------------------------
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
------------------------------
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What
is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we
shot down?"
-------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal."
------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
-----------------
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if
you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing...
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
----------------
A
plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles, The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed,
and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While
I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"
And
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks"
are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem
#2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem:
"IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem:
"Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
And
From Pilot
Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The article was entitled "In
a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police Wit).
Two members
of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire
moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding
motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an
unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds
later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in
blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to
the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the
damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker
had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory
air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating
unarmed.
Blind Pilots
One day
at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated
waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot
and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking
up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind;
the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left
as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both
have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first,
the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical
joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the
airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering
among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the
plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some
passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the
end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the
plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change
in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very
last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the
cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:
"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream,
and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
How do you
know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says: "Thats enough about flying, let's talk about me!"
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying,
and about flying when he is with a woman.
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and
generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around
the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything
you can do, I can do better."
The veteran
bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed,
the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
"Flight
1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make
up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a
727?"
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of
fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do
you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know
where the fuel truck is."
An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes
him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2,
and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his
own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first,
and disappears.
The curious
pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight
checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees
a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations.
He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand
and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.
The devil
returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers
the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I
wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."
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Silver Spirits Photography
117 Furman Ave
Asheville, NC 28801–2017
828-254-8049
max@silverspiritsphotography.com
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